Currently Browsing: Humor

Confessions of a Non-Gardener

  I DON’T HAVE A GREEN THUMB. Moreover, my plants know it: they lie down and die right in front of my eyes.  I once had a potted palm that thrived on humidity.  I placed it in the bathroom and gave it plenty of light.  When I showered, it peered down at my naked body like a voyeur.  I became self-conscious, and finally gave it away. My dental hygienist said that plants enjoy poetry and need to be tended...

Smart Phone Slavery

    SMART PHONES, NOT-SO-SMART PEOPLE. My daughter went to a Taylor Swift concert recently, and she was texting all night long instead of listening to Taylor whine about her old boyfriends.  Something’s wrong with that picture.  A multi-Grammy Award winner deserves more respect. Shortly thereafter, I was at a performance by Patti Lupone.  She grabbed the cell phone from a woman who was texting during a song, and she didn’t give it back until the end of the...

The Rites of Spring…

  … AND DUCT TAPE Duct tape is like The Force: it has a light side and a dark side and it binds the galaxy together. — Carl Zwanzig Charlie, my beloved mate of 30 years, is firmly attached to many things.  Me, our daughter, his extended family and friends, chainsaws, home improvements, computers, and fondly… duct tape. In spring he can be found wearing a roll of it at his belt, keeping it handy.  Give him that and...

Turning 60… and Still Smiling

  WELCOME TO THE CLUB! We’ve been through some things together With trunks of memories still to come We found things to do in stormy weather Long may you run I turned 60 last week. I was on the air stepper, doing my usual 1 hour workout, when I heard this classic Neil Young song on my playlist. Oddly, I had just celebrated the day before and one of the loveliest notes I received was from my “baby” brother,...

Don’t Ask Me to Share!

  BUY YOUR OWN! When I was 7, my parents bought a pop gun for my birthday.  I took it everywhere, stalking ferocious grizzlies in the backyard and shooting undergarments off the neighbor’s clothesline. One Saturday, we visited my relatives and I brought my toy gun, only to be informed by my mother and my aunt that I had to share it with my cousin Harvey and his younger brother, Michael.  To me, “sharing” meant they could watch while...

This Week’s Baby Boomer Humor

ACT TWO INVITES YOU— We’re inviting you to chuckle along with our growing collection of baby boomer humor.  Whether you like visual gags, sarcastic quips or just-plain-silly nonsense, there’s something here for you.  We’ll be adding new content every week, so visit often!  If you see a witty quip, image or joke related to Baby Boomers, send it to us here:  mail@acttwomagazine.com. Warning:  Baby Boomer Humor Ahead!             Good old Sam-I-am! We need an alternate...

Bibliomaniacs Unite!

  TOO MANY BOOKS IN THE ERA OF FACEBOOK? The other day, my friend Michael called me, pretty proud of himself because he took a serious step toward “downsizing” by getting rid of 1,000 books, which he donated to the annual library sale.  I imagine he’ll also take a hefty deduction on his income tax. “Why don’t you do that?” he gloated, eager to tell me how to live my life.  Some people have all the answers.  What made...

High Blood Pressure… and Marriage

LOVE AND MARRIAGE… AND HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE Does high blood pressure come with the territory of being married? I’ve never had a problem with high blood pressure, although on more than one occasion I’ve accused my four daughters, my wife and my dog of conspiring against me to raise my blood pressure, or cause me to suffer a debilitating case of what we Italians call “agita,” which as far as I can determine has no suitable English translation. (I...

Grandpa? Pappy? What’s In a Name?

  LET THE NAME GAMES BEGIN— I finally have a reason to celebrate.  No, I didn’t win Powerball and I didn’t get a promotion to Senior Vice President or even Chief Cook and Bottle Washer.  I became a grandfather. Becoming a grandfather for the first time was a wonderful thing, at least until the wise guys—usually in my family, usually one of my four daughters—started calling me “Gramps.” It made me think of myself as Jed Clampett on The...

How I Faced My Fear of Fears

Other than a couple of crisis periods in my life, I was never one to go running to a shrink.  But this time, I was convinced there was something wrong with me.  Anxiety?  Social Phobia?  Post-partum depression? I was never afraid of anything, and now, all of a sudden, I seemed to fear everything.  Driving at night; getting lost in bad neighborhoods; not being able to walk long distances; even going on a roller coaster.  So fearing my fears,...