I have a radical theory with grave implications for the future of the human race: Dogs are NOT “man’s best friend.” Dogs are “woman’s best friend.”
Isn’t it suspicious that best-sellers by women authors have titles like Love at First Bark, You Had Me at Woof and Bark If You Love Me: A Woman-Meets-Dog Story? Do you see a pattern? Why would a woman need a guy when she has a dog?
All across America, dogs are scoring because they have personalities women love. They’re loyal, they don’t complain, they don’t snore, they’re good kissers (albeit a little wet), they submit to grooming, and best of all, they’re obedient. What more could a woman want? Beyond a doubt, dogs can teach guys a lot of things like, say, how to beg, although I’m not saying what for.
I saw this change coming several years ago when best-selling crime writer Lisa Scottoline published a book titled, Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog.
Scottoline has two ex-husbands and owns three golden retrievers and one Pembroke Welsh corgi that sleep in bed with her. She says the women she knows who have had more than one divorce usually have more than one dog, and she wonders, “Did we trade our husband in for a dog?”
More often, you hear stories about couples getting divorced and having custody battles over dogs. A Westchester divorce attorney I know spent a good part of his career wrangling over who would keep Fido—until he decided he had better things to do with his life and went to work in the legal department of a public utility, where the debate over nuclear power wasn’t as bitter.
My wife, Sandy, is pretty explicit about what would happen if we ever divorced. She sent me an email that said: “Bella is the only thing I would fight for! You could have EVERYTHING else!!!!!!” (Why do women use exclamation points and capital letters so much when they communicate with men?)
I’m pretty sure that if she had to choose between me and the dog, I’d be sent to the kennel. The two of them are like partners in crime. If my wife yells at me, the dog starts barking at me. And if I yell at my wife, the dog starts barking…at me. She prepares organic meals for this pampered pooch because Gravy Train isn’t good enough, yet she has no qualms about sending me to Wendy’s for a pretzel burger.
The other day I walked in the door and smelled a home-cooked meal, which is a true treat for a guy accustomed to tuna sandwiches and Chinese takeout. Sandy, who never cracks a cookbook, was in the kitchen preparing an amazing dinner of grilled chicken, asparagus, red quinoa and beets.
“That smells terrific! I can’t wait to eat,” I said, until I saw the title of the cookbook: Home cooking… For Your Dog.
Yes, dogs have the inside track.
The New York Post recently ran a story about eligible single women in the city, and they interviewed one so-called “ideal” woman who had all the right qualifications, according to a recent survey.
She was physically fit and Catholic. She had a graduate degree and a $75,000 salary. Plus, she owned a dog. There was a picture of her in a low-cut, tight red dress, holding a white Pomeranian that was snuggling up to her cleavage. She was in no hurry to get married because, she said, “I always have a pup to cuddle at night.”
I imagine that the two of them spend the evening cooing to each other, “I love you so much. I love you more than anything.”
But it gets worse if you can imagine that. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the birthrate for women from 15 to 29 has dropped almost 10 percent in the last seven years, while small dog ownership has increased almost 20 percent. Young women seem to be choosing Shih Tzus and Chihuahuas over newborns, probably because dogs don’t need their diapers changed and can do their business on the sidewalk.
Canine-obsessed women don’t know what they’re getting into. Dogs can’t be trusted. With our flaws and quirks, we guys are transparent, but dogs are devious gigolos who will do anything to get treats and squeaky toys…and to sleep in bed instead of the doghouse.
Some of them won’t settle for anything less than cold, hard cash. Just look at that mutt who inherited Leona Helmsley’s estate. Helmsley left her pooch, Trouble, $12 million in her will, making it the richest dog in the world.
Dogs clearly take advantage of women, and this isn’t just my theory. Some of the most eminent dog behaviorists agree. In his book what’s a Dog For? John Homans warns: “It’s easy to think, looking at canines like Helmsley’s Trouble, that dogs are a species of emotional con men, wheedling their way into the hearts of weak people and extracting their bounty, whether it be a huge fortune or an extra piece of steak and place in the bed. People get something out of these relationships, it’s true. But dogs look as if they are getting more.”
Just remember that, ladies, the next time you spend a small fortune at Petco.
by Joe Pisani
Joe Pisani, a journalist for 30 years, approaches life with wisdom and wit. He writes frequently for ACT TWO. His most recent piece, La Dolce Vita Americana, also features his family dog.